113


this shadow
i thought i knew,
understood,
had made into
a friend

but i am lost,
lost in the darkness

it’s my little secret,
my escape,
my strength
and sorrow

these moments
seem endless,
without purpose
or meaning

but still
i reach,
try to put into words
the valley
my head
calls home
and my heart
calls safe

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99


and in the end,
i saw it all

strewn violently across the salt flat
i had come to call home,
had laid upon, had opened my wounds to
the nature of that place, and clenched my fists
as they burned and blistered

these were my pains, my dreams
before i dragged knives
through the canvas
of my life and ground our future
to dust

it wasn’t pretty,
but i saw it all,
felt it all,
knew the wreckage of my own hand
and the agony of my sorrow,
my regret,

all too well

A Peace Unknown


Simple words in silent shadow-spaces
Breathe the fire of horrors we could not bury deep enough…
Turn over, fire… char and dust.
So sad, the tiny voices
Creeping in and out of darkness,
Looking for a light
That might guide them home

And angry, angry
Angry at the world, at life and love
And all that makes this special…
Angry because they cannot hear the others.

Voices rising, blurring, building hearts of darkness…
Towers and walls and thick steel gates,
Protecting an empty throne,
A lost people… still building, still listening…
But all they hear are echoes

№ 73: Lost Love



1


while you were crying

i searched,
searched for an antidote
to the poison in your heart,
tried to find
the reason in your choice

we have met
a thousand times
in a thousand unknown places,
and i have watched
you shed those tears
in a thousand different ways

still, you resist
the aching of the soul
— self-inflicted agony
that bars you from my touch

forever and a day
i’ll wait, i’ll support
those feeble structures
you’ve built to cage your heart,
give credit to your stubbornness
and unfeeling self-determination,

and even if we never meet
beyond the shadows of the night,
i’ll wait

№ 63: Full


i

made the little noises,
pounded fists
into

solid,
earth

seeking something
that could not,

never,
— not never,
i hoped,
i prayed —
be found

and the tiny
depressions,
just like me;

tiny, nothing
to whom
i owed everything

but it hurt
all the same,
and i wandered

crying,
awkwardly at first
, because i did not know,
had not learned
some autodidact!

how

for whom
did the chill
spread,
and rage and guilt
seek to protect
my broken heart

and for whom
did i yet hold

a hopeful breath?

№ 13: For Heidi


This is dedicated to my wonderful dog, Heidi, who did so much to bring joy to my life, especially when I couldn’t bring it to myself. She had a long and happy life, and she will be sorely missed.

Heidi, Queen of the Couch (4/21/2014)

Heidi, Queen of the Couch (4/21/2014)

My heart aches,
and I already feel
the weight of your absence
pressing on my chest
so firmly it’s hard to breathe.

My mind fails me now…
what is that separation
between past and present,
between your still-beating heart
as it watched the passing cars
and the awful silence
following our final act of love?

You were never a what to me,
but a who: my not-so-little girl
with a thousand names none can understand
but I can recite without hesitation;
my treasure who reminded me daily
of what true love is.

We found you, saved you,
but I think you knew
that you’d saved us
more times than I can count.

A boy’s best friend,
you watched me grow up
into the man I am today;
your whole life spent
making sure I was okay…
because of you, I always was;
because of you,
I always will be.

My happy little girl – so happy,
so loving.

Today, we said our goodbyes,
because we must – it was time
and you were ready; you’d told us so
– and we thanked you for everything,
told you how much we loved you,
and did our best to be strong.

We will always miss you.

We will always love you.

You will always be our Heidi,
my Heidi,
and we will always be your family.