113


this shadow
i thought i knew,
understood,
had made into
a friend

but i am lost,
lost in the darkness

it’s my little secret,
my escape,
my strength
and sorrow

these moments
seem endless,
without purpose
or meaning

but still
i reach,
try to put into words
the valley
my head
calls home
and my heart
calls safe

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106


we’re getting close now…

another year,
and another,
and another…

it’ll be ten before we know it.

so much time,
so many empty hours
and nights like this…

running circles in my head
with no end in sight.

it’s been so long,
and there have been so many faces.
bright, smiling…
none of them mine.

why do i need permission
to be happy?
where is my peace?

86


when my nature –
a terrible, disappointing
nature –
finally reveals itself
for all to see, i shall be

devastated.

i shall be frank
i shall see…

me.

i shall see me
for what i am,
for what i have always been
and always will be.

i shall see me,
the true me…

a me i’ve never wanted to see.

no lies,
nothing left to veil my eyes
and nothing to say
what isn’t true.

i shall be
that which is most frighteningly
me.

in that recognition,
i will persist

but because i am broken
i will continue to break…
in a thousand different ways,
i will break.

but i am me.
that much is true.