This poem was written as an attempt to put into words the feelings I have regarding (once again) attempting to transfer to a 4-year university. It’s a mad, infuriating, and stressful process: one I hope to finally escape from this time around. (I’m ever the optimist, but the application process still manages to stress me out.)

 

there is uncertainty
now
a general hesitation

i might be scared
— of rejection
of success
of not measuring up
and of who knows what else —
but should that terror
grip
so strongly?

should i be left
stuck
in place

stopped

on tracks
i have spent
countless years laying
directing towards
this very point?

that heavy judgement
i know all too well
bites
brings memories of wounds
whose scars appear on hands
long-since healed
— by change of heart
and soothing passage of time —

surety
the biting
gnashing of the teeth

tradition
values its homogeny
keeps me out as best it can
and so deeds long-since
committed to the earth
rise up
oppress any hopes i hold
i cling to secretly
begging questions
for which answers are beyond
my ordinary grasp — why can’t i
start anew
sell my phantoms
as noble failures making possible
a miraculous reversal of fate?

— of this i am scared

what are precedents
but crude approximations
of future events
mistaken all too often
as promises
certainties
in an uncertain game
— ancients tossing dice
against the crumbling edifice
of their temple
gambling away
what isn’t theirs

what

treasures we shall never
know — i no longer
(wish to) play?

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